Engineering Jokes: The Best Jokes About Engineers

Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Engineer: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

An engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to fix the air conditioning. Pretty soon, hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan and says, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got AC, flush toilets, and escalators now!"
God says, "That's impossible! There are no engineers in hell!"
Satan: "Yes there are - we've got one!"
God: "Send him up here right now!"
Satan: "No way, I like having an engineer on the staff."
God: "Send him up or I'll sue!"
Satan laughs: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Why do engineers always carry a pencil behind their ear?
In case they need to draw a conclusion.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced "twenty feet," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical non-engineer. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

An engineering student is walking along when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get that?" asks the student.
The rider replies, "Well, I was just walking along when this beautiful woman rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'"
The student nods approvingly, "Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass has a safety factor of 2.0.

Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because that's what the last version of the blueprint said.